We all have fallen into the victim trap. The problem is, if we don’t recognize that we have become accustomed to it and we are not aware that it is already jeopardizing our relationships; our ability to take action and take responsibility, we will be trapped forever into being a victim.
Victims always feel entitled and expect others to satisfy their needs. They feel that they are the injured party and suffering injustices all the time. They blame people and circumstances for what they shouldrightfully have. They always have a reason, justification for their point of view and will defend it no matter what. Victim mentality is summed up in one word: SHOULD. They believe that things SHOULD be different, they SHOULD have more, someone else SHOULD do something. They always come from a state of dissatisfaction and disappointment that nothing is ever right. The sad thing is, for victims, there is only one truth: theirs.
When we fall into a victim mentality, we do not take responsibility. We let others dictate our action. We are in effect of the things happening around us.
A victim mentality is one where you blame everyone else for what happens in your world. What keeps victims stuck is denial. They see themselves as highly responsible and they do not perceive themselves as victims.
In the diagram above we see the PERSECUTOR. When there is a victim, there is an enemy or persecutor. The persecutors can be individuals, groups, or circumstances. They are perceived to inflict pain, they are perceived as the bullies, the tormentors. In our society today, they could be the following:
- Our government
- Our family, wife/husband
- Our boss
- God
- Other people
The persecutors fuel the victims’ need to blame and fight against something or someone. They are seldom aware that they are perceived as the enemy and discover this only through the behaviour of others.
The CO-CONSPIRATORS on the other hand are the band of followers who believe that the victims are right. Co-conspirators easily fall prey to the victims because they buy the victims interpretation of what happened. They share the feeling of the victim that they are unfairly treated. Victims seek co-conspirators to buy their victim stories and agree with their views. This is not far from what we often hear, “misery loves company”.
Victims avoid accountability and commitment by protecting one’s story. Most of the time, you will find victims, blaming, justifying and defending.
How does the diagram operate? For example, you may be in a victim role with CA2020:
“The community SHOULD let me attend the Wealth Course even if I haven’t completed the task, its unfair!”
“I don’t want to continue anymore because the tasks are humiliating especially the last Module task”
“The coaches are rude. They SHOULD not use the word “loser”, I don’t want to be part of the online community anymore”.
“The community is a scam. If its not a scam, its definitely a cult!”
Of course, there will be no victims without PERSECUTORS. The persecutors here becomes the Coaches and Core Team members.
The victims believe that we inflict pain, mental, emotional pain etc. The more the Coaches or Core Team members follow-up on the “VICTIMS” whether they will still continue or not, the more the victims feel forced into doing something against their better judgements or will. They feel that the persecutors are out to get them so unknowingly the persecutors fuel the victims need to blame and fight.
Victim: “Please stop texting me! I am not interested anymore! Stop tormenting me! Take me out of your list!”
The Core Team and the coaches are unaware that they are perceived as the enemy and only discover this through the behaviour of the victim.
Coaches and Core Team: “Ano kaya nangyari don? Tinanong lang naman siya kung tutuloy pa siya.”
So, the world of the victim has become a scary and unsafe world. So since it has become an unsafe and scary world, the victim cannot afford to be alone. The victims started looking for company. They started making a blog about the community process, looking for people who will join them and agree on their views.
So since they are victims and does not take responsibility they don’t put their names on it. So, the co-conspirators unaware of what really happened but because they can easily be persuaded or shares the same belief as the victim, they buy the interpretation of the victim of what happened. I remember a true story that really happened somewhere in the US. A man was about to jump from a bridge when someone tried to stop him. The one who tried to stop him asked him why is he ending his life. They sat together and talked. In less than an hour, the two of them jumped together.
So how do we get out of this triangle? Definitely not jumping off the bridge and bringing someone with you. Join the community and be a leader instead of a victim. Leaders are not concerned with being right. They believe they are accountable to their actions and when they commit to something, they commit to it until the end. They have no time to blame, justify and complain because they know that to make it to what they are upto in life its all about 100% accountability: NO BLAME, NO SHAME.
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